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If you’ve been even passively paying attention to Baldur’s Gate 3, the latest, perhaps greatest, fantasy RPG from Larian Studios, you know there’s a lot of sex in it. Some would argue too much, while others might say it’s exactly the amount you tend to see when hot people get thrown into a high-stakes situation. Got mere days to live? You’re probably spending some of it horizontal.
But with all that sex comes the natural urge to draw comparisons between each characters’ scenes. So we’re going to rank them from worst to best. Who comes out on top (or bottom, depending on their preference)? Read on and find out.
I feel so bad for Wyll. I pursued him in Baldur’s Gate 3’s Early Access and had every intention of being a sexy Warlock couple in the final game. But Larian did some major rewrites to his character for the end product and gone is the roguish king I once knew. Instead he’s kinda vanilla, and his sex scene, or lack thereof, feels in line with that.
To its credit, the Wyll sex scene is super sweet because he proposes to you with an acorn (it makes sense in the lore) and then tells you to join him down on one knee. Then y’all start rolling around on the filthy ground in an act of passion. It’s cute, but it’s totally for the “wait until marriage” girlies, and while I respect your decision, I do feel sorry that you have to wait until near the end of the game to get the tamest scene of all.
At the very least, I felt more affirmed in my decision to not pursue Wyll in the main game. R.I.P. to Early Access Wyll, we could’ve had it all.
Props to Minthara’s sex scene for just going for it. Woo-ing the Drow secret companion is a path paved in blood, and I respect Larian for being like, “okay, you did a lot of reprehensible things to get here so you deserve a little treat,” and that treat is Minthara making the most of her Paladin oath.
But we’re ranking it so low because I just can’t condone the acts it takes to get here. So let me be very clear: If you get this scene, I’m judging you. I bet you’re someone who thinks you can fix her. But you can’t. She’s a genocidal murderer and you helped her do that and pissed off all your party members. Was it worth it? Don’t answer that. I already know what you’re going to say.
Honestly, given that the pale elf vampire is one of the most overtly sexual characters in Baldur’s Gate 3, his sex scene is actually kind of tame, all things considered. Sure, it’s hot, as he grabs you by the throat and does his vampire thing of sucking your blood (willingly), but it’s also one of the scenes that fades to black to leave the outcome up to interpretation. That man came out swinging with aggressive flirting, so I was expecting aggressive sex. It just happened off-screen. A shame.
Several of the Baldur’s Gate 3 sex scenes are elevated by the emotional beats surrounding them, but Shadowheart’s is pretty much just emotional beats. This girl’s been going through it in her personal storyline, and her trust is shaken after learning some not-so-fun truths about her religious background. That’s what makes your relationship with her so affecting, in that it’s one of the most solid foundations of trust she’s ever had. It culminates in a sweet skinny dipping scene in the ocean that’s adorable, but compared to others, it’s a bit, er, anticlimactic.
Honestly, I love the absurdity of having sex with an Incubus who’s changed his form to look like the fiendish devil Raphael, in Raphael’s own bed, when Raphael’s not home. Stumbling upon this guy and him telling you Raphael only wants to have sex with himself is an incredible character development bomb on its own. But then the Incubus saying the price for its help is sex is such a wild, off-the-rails tabletop role-playing direction for this scene to go that I can’t help but respect it.
The best part is that, in order to avoid dying due to soul suckage, you have to either fight the Incubus, or allow it to take on your form in its future sexual escapades…and every time they use your form you’re gonna feel it like a magical, remote-controlled vibrator. It’s so silly. I love it.
For Baldur’s Gate 3’s Tiefling Barbarian party member, sex is a big deal. Karlach has an infernal engine in her chest, and that means that she’s hot to the touch, which makes sex an entire ordeal for her. After you bring some Infernal Irons to Dammon, he’s able to help her cool her engine to actually allow person-to-person contact. That’s what makes Karlach’s romance scene cathartic, showcasing an intimacy the two of you thought you might never share. It’s sweet, steamy, and even ties into her larger story. And they say sex scenes can’t move a plot forward.
My favorite part of the Lae’zel sex scene is that it incorporates Baldur’s Gate 3’s dice rolls to give you a true D&D experience when you’re solidifying the relationship. Lae’zel is one of the first characters to proposition you, and our Githyanki queen knows what she wants. She tells you to submit to her whims, but if you’re not feeling like getting on the bottom bunk, you can do a stat check to reverse the roles, and your domineering attitude intrigues her. The divergent scenes aren’t that different, but I’ve gotta give props for Larian’s commitment to the bit.
“Can we fuck a Mind Flayer” is the kind of thing fans joke about in the years before a game like Baldur’s Gate 3, and it turns out that yes, you can. Romancing the Emperor is a loaded (sorry), perhaps absurd path to go down, and the actual culmination of your relationship acknowledges the alien nature of your partner more than others. You have a whole History dice roll about whether or not you know where a Mind Flayer’s mouth is, and if you pass it, you remember that you once saw diagrams of this species that tell you they’re underneath the tentacles protruding from its face. Then, floating in the astral plane, you stroke and kiss his tentacles until The Emperor wraps them around you and gets down to business.
It’s clear Baldur’s Gate 3 gets how wild this is, because it chooses to double down on it by showing that your teammates, through your telepathic connection, saw the whole thing. It took Dragon Age: Inquisition’s “getting walked in on” scene with Iron Bull and cranked it up to 11. You can also choose to ask the Emperor to change back into the Guardian form it used for most of the game—the one you designed in the character creator—but the game fades to black before it shows any such relations.
Larian is brave enough to let my character fondle the tentacles of an alien species but won’t let him fuck the Tiefling daddy of my own creation? Lame.
The Mizora sex scene sticks out to me because it’s one of the more unorthodox approaches to sex in a game that already has Mind Flayer sex. Having relations with Wyll’s handler is one part, well, having sex with a devil, and another part magical, hellish BDSM. She uses her magic to pluck away at your senses, allowing you to choose between different pains and pleasures from the Nine Hells, all of which she conjures from a distance with no physical contact.
While I find the thought of someone pursuing a character who tried to have Karlach (the most innocent and good character in this game) killed detestable, I have to say, I admire her technique, and how well Baldur’s Gate 3 handles the intersection of world-building and sexual conquest. That’s actually why my top three sex scenes here rank as highly as they do, because they feel so wonderfully tailored to the game’s setting.
You knew Halsin, the Druid who turns into a bear during sex, was going to rank high. The “bear scene” is infamous now, even outside of the Baldur’s Gate 3 community. It is a perfect encapsulation of a tabletop RPG escalation of a DM and a player “yes-anding” a situation into its most ridiculous conclusion. The laugh-out-loud absurdity is perfectly punctuated by a poor, traumatized squirrel, dropping its acorn and running away just before the fade-out.
Even if Halsin doesn’t maintain his bear form during the deed, that man is a dedicated service top who is there for your pleasure. He also, even after taking great care of you, is willing to open up the relationship if that’s your jam. He is a giver, whether he’s on two feet or four.
I consulted several Baldur’s Gate 3 players about their number-one picks. As a Gale romancer myself, I wanted to be sure that ranking my Wizard boy toy at the top wasn’t just a matter of bias toward a character whom I kissed a lot. If Gale only had the one sex scene in which he materializes a bed in the middle of a forest for you to have at it, he wouldn’t rank very high at all. But the divergent scene, which looks like it ate up a majority of Baldur’s Gate 3’s cinematic budget, propels Gale of Waterdeep to the very top of the fantasy sex hierarchy.
Gale, believing his days to be numbered because of the magical bomb in his chest, wants to create the “perfect” night for you. He creates a magical replica of his Waterdeep study, where you sit together on the balcony overlooking the ocean. But he wants to bond with you in the way gods do, with your souls intertwined and not retrained by the limits of earthly forms. So this cheeky fucker astral projects you both into a space-like void where your spirits entangle while he expands and multiplies his own body to instigate a floating, spiritual foursome as your bodies spin through the void. It is so extra, it is so tinged with melancholy, but goddamn, it is one of the most memorable scenes in a game already full of them.
Sex is a big part of Baldur’s Gate 3, and every sex scene has its own layers and nuances that tie back into each relationship. Not everyone is a wizard who has experience fucking a god, nor does everyone have to be in order to both give you a good time and expand upon your tender relationship. But as a climactic moment that builds upon the (potentially) tragic romance, the magical Dungeons & Dragons setting, and is just a visual splendor to behold, Gale comes out on top, multiple times, all at once.
How has your Baldur’s Gate 3 love life been going? Do you agree Gale’s love scene reigns supreme? Or has your passionate fave been slighted? Let us know below!